I drive by this field almost every single day. There’s nothing special about it, and it’s not a particularly stunning drive.
Ever so often though, a group of wildflowers will spring up. It happens when I least expect it and they don’t typically hang around all that long. But when I drive by and see them, it always reminds me of the beauty in the simplest of things, in the ugliest of places.
I remember Ian being out of town last year for a week. It was his first time being away from Cove and me for that long and we both missed him deeply. In the middle of the week, I was driving home from the grocery store and Cove was having a hard time in the back seat (he didn’t like the car seat for a while) and there were the wildflowers. I pulled over, got him out of his seat and we sat there for a while, off the side of this rather ugly pavement road, breathing in the fresh air.
The other night, we were driving home as a family and I had been slightly emotional with some things that happened that day and in thinking about all the things I had to get done this week. But as we turned down the road with the field, there were the wildflowers. And those silly little flowers all in disarray gave my heart such joy in the simple reminder that they were.
I always try to keep things as transparent on here as possible, while still protecting my heart and family’s privacy. So please take my words with compassion. In all honesty, the struggle of worry and fear had worn me down that week. Here I am, 15 weeks in, and starting to feel so much better and hating that I feel better because sickness was a reminder that my baby was growing. Doesn’t that sound absolutely crazy?
Pregnancy after a miscarriage doesn’t mean that fear or worry is gone. Maybe that’s not the case for everyone, but for me, it’s still a very real thing. I think it’s because you know exactly what the worst could be. I would love to say I have it together and through healing, prayer and reading God’s Word, I have no qualms and approach each day overcoming it. To be honest, all of those things have significantly helped and have made things easier. But just like sin, worry and fear creep up on what we think are our best days, leaving us with the desire and need for Jesus more and more.
Often times we feel the pressure from ourselves or unmentioned pressure from others to always be “okay”. We end up hiding pain, hurt and daily struggles in a place where we don’t share or mask it with “everything’s good”.
There is an option besides burying pain deep within us. We can choose to process it, deal with it and sometimes revisit those places to remind us of the Lord’s faithfulness. We can do all three of those things and still choose joy rather than just “being ok”. Being ok is a sign of trying to handle it on our own, but choosing joy is saying I can’t control this, but I can lean on someone who can heal and restore me.
In 1988, President Ronald Regan declared October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. He said this,
“When a child loses a parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses his or her partner they are called a widow or widower. When parents loses their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.”
I realize I talk a great deal about loss and miscarriage on here. Probably more than some of you feel comfortable, but something in me has always had a spark to share the darkest moments instead of tucking them away. It may not be you, but someone may be reading this, not knowing how to express the words or hurt they’ve experienced, and sometimes they need a voice. A voice to say we can stand and walk through this together. A voice for friends that don’t know how to respond. A voice for those who have lost multiple times, where each time is different and they may face it differently.
It may not always be loss or infertility. I certainly do not wish pain and suffering on my life, but I do wish that the future battles God allows me to face don’t let slip by in vain, but that they can be used for love. You may not be walking through loss, maybe it’s some other kind of pain or hardship. No matter what, you don’t have to walk through it alone. You don’t have to bury it inside and be ‘okay’ for everyone else’s sake.
All this from a field with a few wildflowers? Well, what can you expect from a rather emotional and passionate girl? I have a quote saved on my phone that I found a year ago. I always imagined it would be for one of my girls, but the Lord has blessed me with sweet boys to raise. It wasn’t until today, writing this post, until I realized it wasn’t meant for my children, but instead, it was meant for me and the women I do life with.
“I HOPE YOU ARE BLESSED WITH A HEART LIKE A WILDFLOWER.
STRONG ENOUGH TO RISE AGAIN AFTER BEING TRAMPLED UPON,
TOUGH ENOUGH TO WEATHER THE WORST OF THE SUMMER STORMS,
AND ABLE TO GROW AND FLOURISH EVEN IN THE MOST BROKEN PLACES.”
— Hearts Like Wildflowers, Hearts Like Yours | Nikita Gill
I hope we can encourage each other to have hearts like wildflowers. To flourish in the places that seem most broken. To bloom despite the uneven and harsh ground around us.
**This dress is from Plum Pretty Sugar and felt so perfect for dancing in the wildflowers.