To the mother with children on earth, in heaven and those cultivating life in other ways…

  It took a lot in me to write this, and I went back and forth on whether I should or not. But at the end of the day, I felt someone needed to read it. I was lucky enough to have an incredible mother who loved and taught me the beauty of what motherhood is and can be. When I was growing up, she would always say it was more important to her that we loved and treated her well every day of the year than just one holiday where we felt obligated to do so. I took this to heart, but never really gave Mother’s Day much of a thought until about three years ago. I don’t think I was ever one of those girls who dreamed of being a mother from a young age. I knew I wanted to be one, but it wasn’t something I had this deep desire for. But one day, about three years into our marriage, God laid that desire heavy on my heart. So you might think we would have a baby right then and there,…

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My baby should have been born today…

No one can prepare you for loss. Everyone experiences it differently. As the weeks and months passed from the time we lost our first child, I felt like there was literally a hole in my heart and body from the loss. In April, we found out we were expecting another baby. A lot of people asked me if the hole was filled after I got pregnant again. Some would make comments about how we must feel better now that we got pregnant again so fast. But my hole did not fill from the desire to carry and have a child here on this earth being fulfilled. Just as every mother has a place in her heart for each of her children, I did for mine. Having another child will never fill the loss of the child you’ve have lost. My hole did fill though. It filled with God’s healing love. It filled as I began to see His glory work through our situation and as I remembered that Shiloh is already where I long to be. Ian and I knew that when…

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Thoughts on Things: Keeping My Eyes Above the Waves

Some days my feet are in the ocean and there is a warm breeze with peace and comfort. Other days, the wind is knocked out of me. Wave after wave of grief and anxiety hit me. The vacant room we had painted for our baby. Walking by the baby section at Target. The uncertainty of what will be next for our family. I don’t think I fully understood how little control I would have over my body after a miscarriage. I told Ian I felt like a walking bag of tears. I would be in the middle of working on something and then all of a sudden just lose it. Some things I could hear or see and be perfectly fine with, and others would break my heart again. A friend who has experienced a similar loss, referred to these moments as waves and there was nothing I could do to stop them.  Although the time between them may grow longer, I would have no control over when they hit me. What matters is what I did when they hit. Did I trust when…

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My story does not end in ashes | Our Miscarriage

This post was written nearly a month ago… I couldn’t bring myself to post it for quite a long time, but I felt compelled to share because someone somewhere needed to read this.  7 weeks ago, I held a positive pregnancy test in my shaking hands. The night before, I had dreamt for the first time about having a child. I can still remember looking down at the sweet perfection of life God had given me. Excitement overtook me, and I prepared a gift to give to Ian. He had no idea what was going on, but as soon as he opened the box, tears swelled in his eyes and he picked me up and squeezed me tight. It had to be one of the sweetest memories of us together. We cried and laughed and started the plans for the next eight months of our life. Every day seemed like a celebration. Every prayer I prayed for this sweet child growing inside of me. The weeks were long as I waited for that first appointment. But the week finally arrived,…

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