Some days my feet are in the ocean and there is a warm breeze with peace and comfort.

Other days, the wind is knocked out of me. Wave after wave of grief and anxiety hit me. The vacant room we had painted for our baby. Walking by the baby section at Target. The uncertainty of what will be next for our family.

I don’t think I fully understood how little control I would have over my body after a miscarriage. I told Ian I felt like a walking bag of tears. I would be in the middle of working on something and then all of a sudden just lose it. Some things I could hear or see and be perfectly fine with, and others would break my heart again. A friend who has experienced a similar loss, referred to these moments as waves and there was nothing I could do to stop them.  Although the time between them may grow longer, I would have no control over when they hit me. What matters is what I did when they hit. Did I trust when I was weak? Did I find strength in Him? Did I create a bubble of self pity? These questions brought me to a song that I have loved and have sang many times over the past few years.

“And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

Now, I understand these words more deeply than I ever have before. I could see God pruning me and making my faith stronger with each wave. Not only that, but I could see my husband, family and friends holding my hands as each wave hit me. I was not alone in my suffering.  After this revelation (if you want to call it that), another wave hit. I could feel the air being knocked out of me. I could feel pains of jealousy, selfishness and crushing grief come over me. But through my cries, I could also hear myself shouting, DEATH WHERE IS YOUR STING? HE HAS SWALLOWED UP DEATH IN VICTORY!

 

Only a few short weeks after we lost our baby, I was asked to lead worship at church. At the time, no one knew what I was struggling with. For days I battled a dryness in my throat. The feeling of being unable to praise and unable to sing. One night, I was crying in the shower, and I felt the Holy Spirit impress upon me my reason to sing: my story, my loss and my trust in Him. Although obvious to some, it took me a little bit longer to focus in on it. The week after I led worship, a friend shared with me the below verse.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.” – Psalms 40:3
This journey has put a new song in my heart. A story of His redemption and faithfulness in my suffering. Not only is it a new song, but it is a song that God can use to bring others to trust in Him.

When you feel like you don’t have a reason to sing, read Psalms 66 and think of these things.

“Shout for joy to God, all the earth; sing the glory of his name; give to him glorious praise! Say to God, “How awesome are your deeds! So great is your power that your enemies come cringing to you. All the earth worships you and sings praises to you; they sing praises to your name.” Selah

Come and see what God has done: he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man. He turned the sea into dry land; they passed through the river on foot. There did we rejoice in him, who rules by his might forever,whose eyes keep watch on the nations—let not the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah

Bless our God, O peoples; let the sound of his praise be heard, who has kept our soul among the living and has not let our feet slip.
For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.” – Psalms 66

 

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