It took a lot in me to write this, and I went back and forth on whether I should or not. But at the end of the day, I felt someone needed to read it.
I was lucky enough to have an incredible mother who loved and taught me the beauty of what motherhood is and can be. When I was growing up, she would always say it was more important to her that we loved and treated her well every day of the year than just one holiday where we felt obligated to do so. I took this to heart, but never really gave Mother’s Day much of a thought until about three years ago.
I don’t think I was ever one of those girls who dreamed of being a mother from a young age. I knew I wanted to be one, but it wasn’t something I had this deep desire for. But one day, about three years into our marriage, God laid that desire heavy on my heart. So you might think we would have a baby right then and there, right? I mean, I was even having dreams about babies when I never had them before. But we never got pregnant, and months and months and months went by. We started to think something might be wrong, but just kind of suppressed those feelings until a year of no results, with nothing happening except tears every month when you discover that you once again are not pregnant.
Then one day, you see that positive result on the test. And if you’ve been around here for a while, you know the devastating turn to this part of our journey. We lost the one thing we had been praying for for months. I went from desiring to be a mother so badly it hurts, to being a mother and hearing my tiny baby’s heart beat, to losing my baby and still being a mother, but not getting to raise her. Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions. Through God’s grace and the beauty He wanted displayed in our testimony, we were blessed with another child shortly after. My purpose in sharing my story again is not to point to myself or give you a sob story, but to give you some insight into why I feel so much empathy surrounding this day.
If you don’t know me personally or haven’t picked this up through the blog, I am a very sentimental and emotional person. I feel like I cry more than the average person. I tend to find beauty not only in the most wonderful things in life, but in the heartbreaking things as well. I have learned and discovered that God created all our emotions for a reason and for His purpose, so when we suppress those emotions, we don’t always heal or grow appropriately. I guess that’s why in those deep moments of grief and despair, I find I’ve met God more intimately and grown stronger than I ever could have otherwise. Those moments change our perspective on life and situations more than we could ever imagine.
All that to say, what went from being a holiday which I didn’t give much thought to, became a holiday of humility and awareness. I didn’t notice what I now do until God took me through those experiences. Now as the day draws near, I think on all the different kinds of mothers out there and what their feelings must be on this day:
The young mom who can’t catch her breathe, but wants those little ones to stay little as long as they can.
The working mom who’s trying to balance it all and love her kids the best she can in the midst of a thousand other things.
The single mom who has to do it all alone and desires someone to be alongside her.
The mother of those no longer under her roof who craves quality time with those hands who used to pull her all over the house.
The mother to a babe or babies in heaven who never got the opportunity to raise or know them like she desired.
The woman who has been trying to become a mother for as long as she can remember, who aches when she sees yet another negative test.
The women who has been praying and seeking her baby through adoption and knows her baby is out there, but hasn’t been able to hold them yet.
The step mom who raises children she didn’t give birth to but loves and cares for them as if they were and are her own.
The woman who never had the opportunity to raise babies of her own but cared for others as only someone who was built with the fabric of a mother could.
The woman who God has called for another purpose, to cultivate life in a different way.
Each one is a mother in their own way. Each of them carrying out God’s plan for their life, despite obstacles and difficulties. I’m glad we’re not all the same, because we wouldn’t be able to bring and cultivate life in all the different ways we’ve been called to. Mother’s Day is so special to me now, and part of that is because we get to celebrate the women of all shapes and stages who are cultivating life.
So to all the women/mothers on mother’s day: Know you are loved and cared for. Know you are enough. Know that in the unique and special situation/place where God has you, He has given you the opportunity to relate and love people better and more purposely than you would have otherwise.
I am praying for all of you out there this Mother’s Day.